Monday, May 29, 2006

Unhealthy Obsession

Last night I went home at 10:30pm and I actually couldnt wait to come back to the library. I came back in at 9am, stayed till 5, until I had to go home cause I was too tired - didnt sleep too well the night before. But I tried to take a nap when I got home, couldnt. I was supposed to meet a group at 8 to discuss a question we're all having a problem with, but I decided to go in early - I missed the place I guess. Its 10:30pm now and I would stay longer (got some stuff to do), but if I do it means ill come in late tomorrow - and there'll be nowhere to sit. So its with great reluctance I leave tonight.

Its scary. Its become an unhealthy obsession. The library has extended its opening hours from 10pm (pitifully early) to 2am (still early for some). Im not a 2am person - I leave by 10 usually so I can get a good nights sleep and come back for 8:30am. Others drift in these days at 9pm, stay till 2am, and talk about how hardcore they are. Screw that shit. Hardcore is when you're actually addicted to the library. And no, its not like I enjoy it, its like any addiction, you do it because your body wants to. Ive never worked this hard in my life, its insane, and Im still taking great risks in my preparation - hoping a certain question will come, etc.

I think as this habit goes on, you get to spend more time here, but your productivity decreases. Like, 2 weeks back Id be coming in at 11am and leaving at 5pm. Getting an ok amount done. Last 2 days Im coming in at 8:30am leaving at 10:30pm - but the amount Im getting done per hour or whatever is less. Im tiring, and I think thats why I wouldnt be able to keep this up forever. As for motivation, well it differs from person to person. For me, I kid you not my biggest motivation isnt to get good grades (although thats up there definitely) or to learn or to get into a good uni in future or to make lots of money. No, right now the motivation purely and simply is numbers. Thats it, numbers. So at the end of the day, I can say I spent x amount of time studying. Its lame, but it works better than all the other forms of motivation people talk about. I mean, who cares what my earning potential is in 10 years? It doesnt motivate me here and now. Theres no link. But with the numbers, your motivation is refreshed every night. You dont think about why the numbers are important, you just know they are.

Here's to obsession.

Posted by illogicist at 2:23 PM


  1. Blogger Samyah posted at 5/29/2006 04:55:00 PM  
    I wish I had that obsession. Mine seems to be with not sitting still, I have too much energy and hate sitting in one spot reading for too long. I want to get up move around and do stuff.. can you believe I actually enjoy taking a break to do dishes?
  2. Blogger illogicist posted at 6/07/2006 07:05:00 AM  
    That obsession sucks - its one thing to enjoy your studies, its another to be driven to that level of mad desperation...thank god I'm done!

    PS I used to love dishes, theyre fun :p But this year my sink...well, lets just say dishes are only fun when they're yours!

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