Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Best Auction Ever

NP - Nevermore - Acid Words

In case the bid goes down soon (since its over), ill paste the description here. Its basically for a particular Motorola phone the guy is selling.

Motorola MPx200

I went and did it again, I got another Motorola from Orange.

"Why aye man, it's much betta than the last one, these are reeealy good and don't suck at all, honest!"

Old numpty here fell for it, so let me tell you a little about the phone....
It's the suckiest phone I have ever had. It sucks so much it should have been a vacuum cleaner.
With it's USB interface and docking cradle it's possible to use this phone to crash any Operating System.
So advanced is this horrible device it can even curse Windows XP with the dreaded B.S.O.D.
One thing I did like about Motorolas was the voice recognition dialing.
They decided not to include it on this model.
Or a charger lead for a car ciggarette lighter socket.
Or a belt clip.
Another thing I liked about the previous model was the FM radio... it actually worked quite well.
They've got rid of that too. Still, I could listen to some MP3s instead.... if there was enough room to store any on this rather nasty little device.

But on the plus side, thanks to it's IR port you can now beam a telephone number to another phone or computer with an IR port in about 10 times the time it would take you to simply type it in (with your nose).
The MPx200 boasts the Windows OS, although I think "boasts" is a poor choice of word.
I can only assume that it's the fully blown version of Microsofts fattest, bloatiest Windows release to date...

"Hello Moto..... Hello?..... Moto?..... Hello?..... Oh I give up!" The CPU on the phone is powerful enough to show you your only received text message in about 15 to 20 seconds.
That doesn't sound like a long time does it? Wait 20 seconds before you read on. .
20 Seconds is just too long to wait. Any old Nokia will show you the message in about 20 miliseconds.

The memory on the phone is expandable via a new SD or MMC memory card. This is handy as the unit does not come with enough built in memory to store a phone number and a wallpaper image.

But don't let me put you off, it has some really good features like "Airplane Mode".
Using Airplane Mode you can disable the phones ability to receive or make calls, texts or email whilest leaving the phone on so that you can look at the screens crappy walpaper and get hassled by the air stewardess for not turning your phone off. The added advantage of this mode is that, when you arrive at JFK, your battery is flat.
Sat in the taxi, you really need to make some calls to let your business associates know that you've landed, but wait! No charger lead!
Whilst you're sat there in incomunicado, you can reminisce about the bad old days where you would merely turn your phone off.
The best is yet to come...
How do you turn airplane mode off? I couldn't find out from the manual and had to trawl the net. I found the answer in a forum whereby some chap with a similar phone was obviously as irate as I.
Apparently you have to hold the power button down for more than one and a half seconds but for less than two seconds as the latter turns the phone off.
Which sick, criminally insane, Motorola B*STARD dreamed that up!?
"Oh, I've turned it off again, damn!" Now another wait for about five minutes while this chunky phone boots up. "Hello Moto" it declares in a cheesy voice, yes hello again. Glad you could make it.
Let's try again. No, not long enough. "yeah I'll be with you in a minute.". Not long enough again, oh sh*t, it's turned off again! "Yeah, make that five minutes" "Hello Moto"
Pulling the battery doesn't work.
Neither does pulling the sim card
Twenty five minutes of this lunacy was what caused the crack in the outer screen. I threw it accross the room in disgust.
The threat "If you don't come out of Airplane Mode right now, I'm going to kill you!" was the only thing that worked.
Perhaps the speech recognition part of this phone has not been completely removed.

What else can I say about it?
Even the Orange tarif is crap. 30 quid a month for 60 minutes calls. That's a good night out, but not the phones' fault
No need to ask yourself "Have I got my phone" while patting your pockets. You know you've got it, because the bloody great brick is pulling your trousers down!

In summary:

Do you want it? Bid Now!

You have a choice, you can bid for the phone or you can bid for a homemade DVD of it's slow demise.
I plan to use a vice, a drill, possibly an angle grinder, some flamable liquids, a blowtorch and finally a sledghammer.
I may even do the ultimate nasty and tell my wife it spent some money on some new computer bits.

Just let me know your choice, I strongly recommend the latter.
I know what your thinking, you're thinking "I could download something like that off the net".
Trust me, in my video, you'll be able to f-e-e-l the hatred, it'll be worth it.

Please allow a few days for me to produce the video.

The phone must die.

Posted by illogicist at 11:26 PM


  1. Blogger Mbarak posted at 7/14/2005 04:55:00 AM  
    Funny and creative. But it has been 4 days since the bet ended and he still didn't post any video. I smell a scam.

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